Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
