It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
