update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
