my text book just quoted the cookie monster
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
