walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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