While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
