New invention idea: vibrating tampons
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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