btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
