You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
