I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
