you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
