You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
