she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
