I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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