My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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