I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
