and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I will pee on everything he values.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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