He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
