FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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