Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
