I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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