it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
