hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Randomize
