Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
