So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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