I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
