Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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