I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
