I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
