I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
