just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
