I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
