I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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