glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
