Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
