Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
