That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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