Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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