Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
