The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
