my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
