I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
