if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
