Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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