He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just had sex on a roof
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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