Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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