Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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