i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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