Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
