apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
