I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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