Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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