i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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