am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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