If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
