Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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