Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
