well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?