I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
