i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
