I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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