you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
